"I Will Go"

For as long as I can remember, I have felt a pull to Congo.  I can recall as a girl having missionaries, both at church and at camp, share their pictures, stories and calling to Congo.  My heart was both captured and broken.  Throughout my life, I can trace similar threads.  All I can say is that I have had a consistent and long-standing passion for Africa - put there, I believe, by God.  My passion was rekindled and putting my faith into action was challenged as I read The Hole in Our Gospel and got involved in Covenant Kids Congo.  I pondered things I could do from the safety of my home, never imagining I would actually go to Congo.  And then.........

Through some providential circumstances, our church was given the opportunity to participate in a vision trip to Congo.  I didn't hesitate to go to the informational meetings - but I did hesitate about actually going to Congo.  The more I read, the more I sought input from others, the more hesitant I became.  Congo is a scary place.  Just read the warnings from the State Department:  instability, violence and crime, lack of infrastructure and security, corruption, unsafe transportation and living conditions and many dangerous health threats.  Logically, it seemed wise and safe to respond from afar.  But God doesn't just call us to be logical and safe.  God calls us to be obedient.  My heart and even call to Congo just couldn't be ignored.  I tried.  Although I turned in the paperwork, I still felt (and possibly hoped) that God would clearly answer my prayers for discernment by telling me I could still passionately care about Congo without going there.  Even as the rest of the team firmly committed, I hesitated.  I was offered more time to discern.  I took it, thinking I had more than a week.  Then, in the midst of a family trip to Disney World, I realized from an email with a gentle nudge, that I was off by a week.  I needed to commit.....or not.  That gentle nudge was just what I needed as my indecision had really been weighing on me.  After talking with family, I was alone with God late into the night.  I prayed.  I called out for clarity and peace.  I read my Bible.  I read my devotion for the day.  "I am leading you, step by step, through your life.  Hold my hand in trusting dependence, letting me guide you...I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in my Presence (my word for the year).  Trust me to open up the way before you as you GO".  It was followed by the verse from Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should GO; I will counsel you and watch over you".

As I prayed out loud (as I often do), I heard myself audibly say "I will go".  My eyes welled with tears as I realized I was hearing God's voice and call.  Yes, I am still scared but I am also excited.  I will go, trusting God as I do.

God's Whispers

I knew the meeting for the Congo vision trip was the following week and I had already decided that I wasn't going to go.  Of course, it sounded like an amazing trip and my heart was already tied to these kids in a way I hadn't expected through the Covenant Kids Congo, but I'm a mom of 3 little ones and there was no way I was going pull off being gone for 11 days.  So the following week as I sat in the sanctuary I had that first of many quiet nudges.  I leaned over and told my husband that I think I am supposed to stay for the meeting.  And I did.

The next 4 weeks had a couple more informational meetings, the paper work was handed out and expected back by March 1 and I had a big decision to make.   My fears were whispering to me constantly...  sickness, the instability of this country, flying on planes that the State Department was telling us not to,  the conditions we will be exposed to and the small and large critters that will be sharing my living space.  These fears are all real and overwhelming to me at times. Every time I thought about the Congo I cried.  God whispered to me Psalm 91. "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  This I declare about the Lord:  He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God and I trust him."

 Those fears were not God's voice.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self discipline.”  I know that God does not want me to make a decision based alone on my fears so I decided to remain in His shadow to find the confidence to say yes.  I prayed a lot, I was in scripture constantly and finally I fasted.  I was desperately seeking that loud booming voice from heaven that would tell me to stay in the safety of my home.  Instead he whispered the words "be obedient".  This trip was not about sacrificing my time, energy and safety.  This was about being obedient to His call to go to the Congo.  This is when I knew the answer was yes.  Isaiah 26:3 says, "You will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Trust in the Lord always for The Lord God is the eternal rock."

Although, the booming voice from heaven that I had hoped for would have made the decision a lot easier and maybe faster, I realize now that those whispers are one of the most beautiful aspects of our relationship with a personal Savior.  He cares enough about me to send whispers of hope, security, and love.  And I am doing my very best to show my love in return through my obedience and trust.

I wonder what my mother would think...

Some of my earliest recollections of church involve missionaries at our home for meals or short stays while they were stateside.  I remember the small gifts, simple carvings, baskets, and other exotic hand made items that immediately went on display in our living room.  I was young, impressionable, and of course enthralled by the stories of  Africa with it's dangers and daily struggles for survival. In those early years it must have been obvious that I  wanted to be a missionary but never pursued that for a variety of reasons.  Life happened, school, work, marriage, children, career and  what I later learned was the fervent prayers of a mother who prayed regularly that I would not become a missionary!  She did not want her son going to dangerous places... that was for someone else's son or daughter.

Fast forward to Fall of last year and the introduction one Sunday to "Covenant Kids Congo" and the effort to bring hope,  health and education to the poorest of the poor on this planet.  I can't describe what happened that day.  I still get chills recalling how I was overtaken with emotion and a feeling of being drawn to a cause, to the plight, to the challenge of reaching people on the other side of the planet with resources and hope for tomorrow. That day, when the opportunity to sponsor children came up, my wife and I knew exactly what we needed to do, that was the easy part of this journey. Later that day I told my wife Veda "who knows, someday I might get the chance to meet our kids, wouldn't that be a miracle".

Earlier this year that miracle began to take shape.  Our missions leader announced that a team would be going to Congo. If anyone was interested please see him after the service.  I looked at my wife and could see the questions in her eyes, she knew at that moment I would be going to Congo. The timing could not be worse for personal and career reasons. It was definitely not a safe place to go, but yet with all those questions I could see in her eyes her supportive answer because she knew that God was already preparing my heart for new challenges.

I'm still not sure where this journey leads but I do know that already I am not the same person I was six months ago and believe those changes are just beginning.  I wonder what my mother would think...